Q: Last year my best friend was diagnosed with stage four neuroblastoma at the age of 24. Since then she has undergone many, many treatments of chemotherapy and radiation. The tumors would just keep coming back and the doctor told her it will always just keep coming back. She has no hope. She will tell me only bare minimum of what’s going on with her health to not burden me but it is on my mind 24/7.
I don’t know what to do. What can I do? I so badly just want to fix this. I don’t know where to start.
I don’t know what can come from this comment but anything at all would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!
Linda: When those around us are going through what your best friend is experiencing it’s normal to feel helpless. When we love someone we often want to step in and somehow “fix” the situation. Trust me, as a mom, fixing was my middle name. The truth is I learned, this thought processes was more about my own uncertainties and insecurities then it was theirs. I understand and recognize your pain, and as long as you feel the need to fix this you will suffer.
We can never know why certain things happen to some people and not others. The only thing we have control over is the way we respond to these situations.
The first thing that you need to come to terms with is, it’s not your job to fix anything or anybody. Your job is to support and love your friend as you have, and also to take care of your own emotional physical and mental self. As a care giver to both my parents, I appreciate how much energy it takes to always be there for the ones we love.
You wrote, “she has no hope.” Is that her feeling? Or is it yours? Can you absolutely KNOW that she has no hope?
The son of a woman I have known for many years, was told last year that he only had three to six months to live. He is not only still with us, but is back at work, living his life one day at a time. He decided to stop conventional treatment and went a different way.
You also wrote, “She will tell me only bare minimum of what’s going on with her health to not burden me but it is on my mind 24/7.”
As someone who has had cancer I can tell you that “we” the patients, often feel the need to protect the ones we love as well. If she is feeling all of your fear, she will not be able to keep you close to her, because she is working hard at doing this for herself. So it’s important that you stay in touch with your own emotional health as well.
We are energetic beings and we can feel when those around us are feeling hopeless, scared and powerless. I am sure this is not what you think you are showing her, but trust me, we can feel the struggles of those close to us.
My advise is to treat her as your best friend. Talk with her about the things you would normally talk to her about or don’t talk at all. Sometimes just being with someone and not needing to fix anything is a lot more powerful and healing for the person than you can imagine. If she wants to share her feelings just allow her to do so. No need to offer any advice. Sometimes folks just need to say whats on their mind, and be heard.
I hope this has helped in some way, and If you want to have a free coaching session with me on this subject, I would be happy to do so.
Namaste, love and blessings to you all.